Friday, September 20, 2013

Crumby and Inexcusable

Hello Sweets,

I have to confess something and it's completely unrelated to food, I'm a pretty bad person :(  I don't mean this in the self destructive way, but in the way I've hurt the most important person to me by being selfish and inconsiderate.  Nathan's an amazing man, I can honestly say he's the best one I've ever met.  He's a loving, caring, and supportive man and I've been completely awful to him lately.  I've been SUPER angry and short tempered lately, and up until recently (like last night) I didn't see it for what it was or know why I was doing it ;(  I think I've pushed Nathan past his breaking point and this could be detrimental to our relationship, and I can't be mad at him because it is actually my fault.  Why would I lash out to my best friend?  There is no good answer, and I wish I could take it all back but it's already out there :(  It's been 2 years since I've been off work and even longer since I was able to workout.  Before I started my job with my fitness company I didn't deal with emotions very well, which would lead to my emotions boiling over in a huge blowup.  When I started working out I found it was a great stress relief for me, even when I got frustrated I would go get my sweat on and be able to think clearly.  I love writing my blog and it's good to keep my brain active, but it does nothing for my stress.  I feel like I've lost my identity and I don't like who I've become. I haven't changed a lot but I do nothing and I'm frustrated.  My frustration actually stems from my health care (or lack there of), and I didn't see it for what it was.  I've dealt with a lot of road blocks in my life, I even had to grow up really fast.  About 6(ish) years ago I finally mustered up the courage to press domestic abuse charges.  It took me losing a lot to come to gripes with the truth, but I'm glad I found the courage before something really bad happened.  Unfortunately for me I didn't seek after care, I chose to drink...a lot.  Instead of dealing with feelings I ignored them, I talked about what happened but that can only do so much.  So what does that have to do with me being a bitch to my soulmate?  Nothing, it's only to illustrate my lack of coping skills.  I don't know what I'm going to do, or where to even start. I feel completely helpless and will never forgive myself.  Clearly I need do something to fix my thought process, but for now I'll probably just cry...a lot :(  Thanks for letting me vent to y'all, writing is therapeutic right?  Tomorrow I'll get back to foodie blogs, but I should warn you that I may do another random post like this if I get really down and feel hopeless (still).  Until next time :( .....

Stay sweet,

Jennifer xoxoxoxo

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